Part 5: Birthday Card
Just before I gave birth to my daughter Acacia, I turned 36. And on my birthday my mom sent me a birthday card that was full of heartfelt words — more than she’d ever written to me before. On the last night of her visit to help me take care of Acacia, as she read the card aloud, I realized how I was — and still am — a part of the lives that came before me.
TRANSCRIPT
Pre-Roll — Promo for Self Evident Oral History Program
CATHY VO: Hi, it’s Cathy! From Self Evident.
One of the reasons I’m such a fan of Before Me is that it’s the kind of intimate, heartfelt story that so many of us have — but don’t always get the chance to tell. Especially to the people we love most.
That’s why I’m excited to let you know that Self Evident also runs an oral history program. So if you’re inspired by the connection that Lisa made with her mom, then we have a free toolkit — which you can use, to do an oral history interview with someone that you care about.
You can access the entire toolkit at selfevidentshowdotcom/history.
Thanks for listening.
Cold Open
(Lan cooks in Lisa’s kitchen in Juneau, Alaska)
Lan: You hungry?
Lisa: Oh, you’re just gonna blanch the broccoli, right?
Lan: Yeah. Get it ready. So this way, everything’s done. The meat is so fast.
LISA VO: When my daughter Acacia was born, and my mom came to visit… the three of us would spend almost all our time cooped up in the house.
Lisa: Thanks, Ma, it looks delicious.
Lan: That’s right!
(Sounds of table setting and eating play under Lisa’s narration)
LISA VO: I'd spend hours nursing Acacia, rocking her to sleep… barely sleeping myself.
And even after I started accepting my mom's help, taking my naps while she watched the baby… enjoying the food she would cook for us… the whole experience was an emotional rollercoaster.
Lan: (Chuckles while eating at the table)
On top of that, I knew I wanted to record these conversations with her, while we had the chance — another responsibility.
But one of the rituals that brought us some relief were the daily, hour-long walks we would take, with Acacia, and our dog.
MUX begins — Original score by Avery Stewart
On one of these outings, we went to Mendenhall glacier. My husband, Scott, carried Acacia. And my mom threw sticks for our dog to fetch, as we all walked to Nugget Falls.
We looked out over the lake, as the water rushed down. It was one of those glorious fall days with bright sun and blue skies.
And we took so. Many. Photos!
My mom with Scott and Acacia. My mom alone in front of the glacier. My mom and I together, next to the waterfall.
While my mom was visiting, we ended up taking about 400 photos. Dozens of them are of my mom, holding Acacia in her arms. Just gazing at her.
When she went home to New York, my mom printed some of the pictures from our visit and sent them to me. One of them sits on a shelf in my daughters’ room, and I see it everyday.
It’s a reminder of those special weeks, when I was exhausted by new motherhood, and also learning so much about my mom’s life through our conversations.
While I was busy documenting her life in Cambodia before me, she was making sure we had a way to remember the present — and our relationship with each other.
Show Open
LISA VO: I’m Lisa Phu. And you’re listening to Before Me. The five-part story that follows my mom’s journey from Cambodia to America. And the long overdue conversation that helped us connect over our family’s history.
MUX ends
My mom likes having printed photos, and flipping through albums. They’re the physical mementos she’s lacking from other parts of her life.
She’s also a regular birthday and thank you card sender. When I went to sleepaway camp as a kid, she would write me letters, which I still keep tucked away in a folder.
MUX begins — “November Mist” by Blue Dot Sessions overlaid with “Forner’s Churn” by Blue Dot Sessions
For my 36th birthday, about a month before I was due to have my baby, my mom sent me an especially long birthday card.
On the cover of the card, there’s a silly looking dog, hanging onto a bunch of balloons floating through a blue sky, and the words, “Happy Birthday to you!”
It’s not a card that looks like a keeper. But inside, the card is filled with my mom’s meticulous handwriting.
I could tell she had written a draft of the message on another piece of paper, before committing it to the card itself.
There’s hardly any space between the lines. There are no cross-outs.
On my mom’s last night, I asked her to read the card out loud. She was sitting in a rocking chair, holding Acacia in the baby room.
Lisa: Okay.
Lan: Okay. (Starts reading)
“Dear Lisa,
When we were about to escape from Cambodia, I had just conceived you.
On January 30th 1980, I was six weeks pregnant.
There were 46 people crowded in a little engine boat, and our three days boat journey was the most terrifying and dangerous experience in my life.”
On day 1, we were chased by the Cambodia border patrol boat, in a gunfight.
(Lan’s voice fades under Lisa’s narration as she continues reading the letter)
LISA: She goes on to tell about that journey over the water, and finally reaching the Thai refugee camp.
Lan: “When we arrived at the camp, I was skin and bone, but I prayed so hard not to lose you.”
Oh, so sad. (Lan starts to tear up)
Lan: “Fortunately, you were so tough that you just kept on growing.”
LISA VO: What? My mom was calling me tough. I thought she was the tough one.
Lan: During my entire pregnancy in the refugee camp, I did not see —
(Lan breaks down and then composes herself while Lisa consoles her)
I did not see a doctor or even take a vitamin.
When we came to New York, I immediately saw a gynecologist, Dr. Woodward, who gave me an ultrasound.
When the doctor said, ‘Your baby is healthy and strong’... I burst into tears.
Because that was a miracle.”
(Lisa’s daughter, Acacia, cries out, and Lisa puts down the mic to calm her)
LISA VO: When I was pregnant, I complained about not sleeping well, and the difficulty and pain of moving around with a growing belly. I worried when I ate a few raw oysters.
When my mom was pregnant with me, she escaped her war-torn home, lived in a refugee camp, and started a new life in a foreign country.
With an entire family to take care of, and no husband in sight.
Lan: I had two months of eating well, taking prenatal vitamins and regular doctor visits. Then you were born. A beautiful, healthy baby weighing 7 pounds 14 ounces came into our life.
Life has been good to me because I am blessed having you as my daughter.
You give me so much love, joy and happiness.” (Cries)
LISA VO: My mom shows her love through her actions — through her cooking, her nagging, her precautionary tales that drive me crazy. Her packages of Trader Joe products.
So the fact that these words were being said out loud is a big deal. In my family, we just don’t say these types of things. They may be written in letters, but never spoken.
Lan: I’m so proud of you, Lisa, and I love you very much. (Weeps)
Now you are about to give me a grandchild…
— How can you hear it?
Lisa: (Laughs and sniffles) Well, you don’t have to do the rest, I guess…
LISA VO: I didn’t make her read the rest of the card, which is just a few more sentences. At this point, we were both blubbering messes.
Lisa: Thanks for writing this.
Lan: It wasn’t easy. I feel so bad.
Lisa: Why do you feel bad?
Lan: I feel bad, You were so strong, but I had no food. I was so worried I didn't know what would happen to you.
But when I came to America, I had two months — I ate and ate and ate. Whatever I could find, I ate.
Thank God you were so healthy and beautiful.
LISA VO: I can’t even begin to imagine the relief my mom felt —
(Lisa pauses to compose herself and take a breathe)
— when she found out I was healthy.
I was constantly worried about my baby’s health during my own pregnancy, and I was regularly seeing a doctor and listening to the heartbeat, and undergoing other tests that showed that things were going well.
My mom, on the other hand, had so many reasons to be really scared.
MUX begins — Original score by Avery Stewart
Babies are so resilient. They get a lot from the mom during the pregnancy, like nutrients from what the mom eats.
And there have been studies about stress on the mom affecting the health and development of her fetus.
But what about will? And determination, and strength?
Do these things get passed on, too?
Lisa: Thanks for being strong.
Lan: It wasn't easy. It wasn’t. But I think because of you, too, give me so much strength, you give me strength to survive.
Lisa: I think you had that anyway.
Lan: When you expect a newborn you just need to be stronger. You know you experience it. You just need to be a lot stronger, because your little one is going to need you.
That’s what mother’s instinct is, you just can’t protect her enough.
LISA VO: Growing up, I looked up to my mom. She was my hero, and a survivor.
But in that moment, I realized that being pregnant with me was part of what helped her keep going.
Lisa: How come you wanted to write all that in that card?
Lan: What you mean?
Because you were expecting, and I somehow came to my thought, I think it’s about time for me to write it down, you know?
If I don't write it down now, when, when will it be. And…
Also, you are more understanding now. You carry a child of your own and, uh, go through the process, so you're more understanding, and… I don’t know, it’s somehow, I thought it was a good, good message for you… for Acacia, too.
Lisa: Well, thanks for doing it.
Lan: Oh… well, thanks for being such a wonderful daughter.
Lisa: Sorry when I’m not.
(The microphone is blocked as Lisa and Lan hug)
Lisa: Thanks for coming.
Lan: I enjoyed every minute, every minute.
LISA VO: We’re hugging, so you can’t really hear her, but my mom is saying, “I enjoyed every minute. Every minute.”
MUX begins — “Solage” by Blue Dot Sessions
I finished writing most of the words I’ve been saying to you in August 2018, about two years after I first sat down with my mom to interview her
At that point, this conversation had spanned my first daughter’s infancy and early toddlerhood, and I was due to have another kid in less than two months — another daughter.
My mom came to Alaska again, for a full month that second time. To fulfill a Chinese tradition — which had officially become our tradition as well.
I'm thankful for the life my mom went so far to create for us. A life where I feel safe and protected. Where she can enjoy every minute we have together.
Hours of interviews barely made a dent in what my mom knows and has seen. But as my love for my own children grows and deepens, as I find my own fortitude as a mother, I’m coming closer to understanding sacrifice — and hope — the way my mom does.
I may never have her experiences. But I have all of these pieces of her story, and my family’s story, that I didn’t have before.
All of that strength, determination, and care… they’re now pieces of my own story. An inheritance from my mom that I’ll pass down to my daughters.
FINAL CREDITS
Before Me is written and produced by me, Lisa Phu.
Our editor is Julia Shu. Fact check by Harsha Nahata and Tiffany Bui.
Production management and sound design by James Boo. And additional support from Cathy Erway.
Original score by Avery Stewart. With additional music from Blue Dot Sessions and James Boo. Audio engineering by Dave Waldron and Timothy Lou Ly.
Before Me is a Self Evident Media production. Our executive producers are James Boo, Ken Ikeda, and me.
Our audience manager is Rekha Radhakrishnan.
The show also received support from the Alderworks Alaska Writers and Artists Retreat and the Juneau Arts and Humanities Council. Thank you to Juneau Public Libraries for lending me recording equipment to make the show.
There are so many more people I want to thank for helping me. Thanks to Christine Carpenter for coming up with the name for this series and creating the artwork for it. Thanks to early listeners Tricia Boone, Greg Chaney, Elizabeth Jenkins, and Jennifer Pemberton. Thanks to Mary Catherine Martin for leading me to Alderworks, where I wrote most of the series.
Thank you to my husband Scott Forbes for giving me the time and space to make this project, and thank you to my two daughters, Acacia and Lupine, for inspiring me, every day.
And of course — special thanks to my mom, to my cousin Lynn, and everyone else who shared their stories, their knowledge, and their trust — with me.
Thank you for listening.
MUX ends
